Griffyn Leo Evans

HAPPY DANCE! Little Griffyn arrived after a busy week at 8.02 pm on Wednesday the 27 th of October! Weighing in at 2.3kg and 40cm long.. He's currently hanging out in the NICU and doing well!

Week 35

Today we had another check up. We had the last appointment of the day at 7pm. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see Craig until about 8.30pm! Boy, did we get interesting news when we did eventually get to see him!

He kept measuring you over and over again - he seemed calm and so we didn't think anything of it - I actually just thought it was going as per normal check up. Turns out that the shew has not grown since his 33 Week check. ARGH!

Craig says "this baby will be coming out this week"
I say "when, like thursday or friday"
Craig says "tomorrow"

ARGHHHH!

So tomorrow, we have to go to hospital first thing in the morning, and the shew will be monitored - any signs of distress and he will be coming out via emergency c-section. Everything going well, I will be induced tomorrow night and the shew will be born sometime on Wednesday!

Week 34

Week 34 was interesting.. Im not sure how other mother feel about bonding with a unborn baby following the loss of another.. for me, after Matilda died, my ultimate fear for any future pregnancy was that I would not be able to bond with my baby until it was born.. it made me feel quiet upset to think that i would not be able to enjoy this pregnancy.. alas once i found out i was pregnant (and this happened quiet early for us - 3w and 4 d) I was instantly in love with this little guy.. I wanted him more than anything that I've wanted in a long time and that was before he was even considered "viable" (geez I hate that term!)

As the pregnancy went on I continued to bond and love my baby boy every day.. he will never replace his sister but he is helping me realise that life can go on.. everytime we see this little guy on ultrasound he looks like a grumpy little boy but i guess if i was being poked and prodded and disturbed then i would be grumpy too.. until last week... I was being ultrasounded and there he was in 3d on the screen and i was just watching him.. and he smiled.. yup he actually smiled.. like he knew we were watching him.. the sonographer even managed to catch it on his pictures! I think it was this exact moment that i fell completely and truly in love with him - i will get around to putting this picture on here shortly..

I also got given an induction date at my appointment this week - 8th November! that means this little man will be officially joining us on the 9th of November!! thats 2 weeks today!!! And i am starting to think about what it means to give birth to a living baby.. everything from the labour and everything that follows!

Week 33

Once again I am home alone while Cashews dad is interstate for work - thankfully this will be the last of his travel until after the baby arrives! Being on my own has really made me feel like this is actually happening.. i am on my own all day so there is plenty of time to focus on my aches and pains which are constantly increasing! 

I had an appointment with the MFM on monday and everything continues to look good. I told him about my anxiety and particularly that I dont feel comfortable stopping my asprin.. the asprin is what keeps the placenta going strong in my condition so stopping it for two weeks before induction was really troubling me.. we have negotiated that i will stop the asprin 7 days before induction now. in addition i will see him every week and we will decide when in the next 4 weeks this little guy will be induced - but no later than 38 weeks!

currently the shew is 2.3kg... im not sure how this compares to normal.. but thats such a big number to me.. Matilda was a poorly 135g when she was born.. my poor little munchkin... i know i shouldnt compare the two of them but when you have nothing else to compare with its hard sometimes..

i hope once again that everything is going well with all the other rainbow babies out there and i will be thinking of all our babies on the 15th Oct and lighting a special candle for them all.

 

Week 32

Once again, in territory where we once thought this would be the longest possible gestation for this pregnancy.. alas here we are and we now are now waiting for week 36 to see how my placenta is holding up.. best case scenario remains induction at 38 weeks.. by my calculations that means this little guy will be joining us around about the 16th of November...

last week we had an appointment with the specialist and i got to take my mother in law to the scan.. of all the weeks the doctor was two hours late and we had to sit in the waiting room for ages.. still.. we have been on the other end of that waiting period, where we have been the cause of the delay.. the doctor is only ever that late if another family is getting bad news.. and that day he happened to have to deal with two different families going through a bad experience. it saddens me to know that there are other families who have to go through bad experiences.. i know it happens but that was like a reminder that we are not alone in this journey and it brings back all the feelings i had last august when we lost Matilda.

on a side note, grandma got to see cashew in 3D and real time.. as a midwife she'd seen a number of babies but i dont think she's ever seen an ultrasound before- in fact she stayed a few extra days just so she could stay behind and come to our appointment!

i have now been on leave for two weeks but having had cashews grandparent visiting for that whole time has meant there has been little time for R&R until now. I also had quiet a bad cold which turned out to be a virus and i was put onto antibiotics and found myself back in the maternal fetal assessment unit in hospital as i couldnt feel much movement during the worst days of the virus. everything is ok on that front and it turned out that cashew was just resting as i was unwell..

week 32 sees cashews dad starting a new job and he has been sent away for two weeks so i am finally on my own with the furbies to rest and recuperate.. i am soo looking forward to sleeping in and being generally lazy!!!

ps - had my first experience with braxton hicks contractions (or so i presume) last week!

Week 29+30

Week 29 was kinda uneventful... with the exception of it being my last week at work.. unfortunately i was struck down with the dreaded man flu for the second time this year and am still not allowed to take much in terms of cold and flu medication to keep it under control.. so i ended up taking a few days off work and missed out on saying bye to alot of people - which i am secretly grateful for! I did have a nice lunch at the pup (no i had no beer) with a few close friends on my last day and was given a lovely bunch of presents from everyone at work.. i actually found it hard to believe that this is me currently sitting here on leave awaiting the arrival of this little guy.. like actually waiting to bring him home..

We had an appointment with the specialist on tuesday and everything is still looking good.. and he still only wants to see me every two weeks - i'd really prefer if he wanted to see me every week because it would mean that i wouldnt have to wait as long between seeing the shew. and i guess i might be freaking out a bit less..

Week 30, I have been struck down hard by the cold this week and consequently the little fella has also been quiet.. this resulted in a trip to the maternal assessment unit at the hospital where we were strapped onto a monitor for the afternoon and got to listen to his heart beat and kicking..

Grandma and grandpa are also visiting us from interstate and they are very excited about the arrival of this little guy.. i think every one is really! accept maybe the furbies who have been taking all the changes in the house over the past week a little harshly!

i went to the GP today to find out if my cold was anything more than a cold and he suspects its a virus but has given me some antibiotics in case it gets worse over the weekend.. im not sure what to do.. do i take them and potentially upset the cashew or do i keep couching and spluttering and upset the cashew that way... hmmm... i am sick of couching and spluttering and add to that, everytime i blow my nose i end up with a blood nose from my blood thinners...

in other news.. i has seen the first signs of stretch marks this week.. i know this is a good thing because it means the little guy is getting bigger! excellent news!

Week 28

I just built (well assembled) your pram sweet shew!

28 weeks... once upon a time 28 weeks was the best case scenario we were given for your gestation, slowly this was pushed out to 32 weeks and now we are told 38 weeks is quiet a possibility! Here were are at 28 weeks and 4 days and while i am trying to maintain some sentiment of composure and contain my excitement, there is a little part of me that is quiet over joyed at the thought of holding you in 10 weeks time!

I have 1 week and 2 days left of work before I am on leave and I was planning on starting the nursery then.. fortunately the room is painted blue and white already so thats one job that wont need doing! Currently all cashews things are in the guest room while we prepared to have the carpets in the nursery cleaned and the curtains installed but since grandma and grandpa have decided to visit us - we have had to speed up the process a little.. so yesterday we had the carpets cleaned and today i assembled the pram which is now sitting in the nursery.. the first thing that is officially in the cashews room! i find it a little hard to believe really! its kinda of surreal as the nursery never got to this stage with little Matilda.

I feel like sorting out the pram is a really big step - even though its not.. i am tempted to start organising the cot.. but im wondering if that would be getting ahead of myself!

meanwhile everything is progressing nicely with the shew.. we have another appointment on Tuesday, and we have our parenting class on saturday and monday..

i hope everyone is well in blog land?

Week 27

Once again, we are in unchartered territory - officially we are in the third trimester. I've never been "this" pregnant before. I am due to leave work in two weeks and I am almost at the point we were told would be our best case scenario for this little guy. And now, we are looking so good the line has been moved out! Its quiet hard to believe still.

27 weeks and all is well with our little boy. Our appointment on monday though very late was very good. Cashew weighs in at 1143g this week and is measuring 4 days ahead of schedule. The OB still thinks 38 weeks is the best goal for this little guy so we are pleased that he is pleased.

Every time I see the OB he reassures me that everything is going well and asks if im feeling relaxed yet. I know he means well but my response is simply that I will not be relaxed until this little guy is born screaming his lungs out and is handed to me for a snuggle.

I have started to tire a lot of late and am really looking forward to having some time off to rest and recover before this little guy comes home. I've started taking iron supplements too now so hopefully I will start to feel better in this regard soon.

I hope everyone is doing well out there in baby loss land, wishing everyone trying for rainbow babies the best of luck and i hope those of you with rainbows are doing well too.

My thoughts on pregnancy

I have toyed with the idea of not posting this... but I want to capture these moments...

So before I start, I thought I might put in a little warning - My thoughts on pregnancy are something i have never really talked about to anyone so if they come out all wrong on here I don't intend for them to upset anyone and by no means to I intend to sound ungrateful for this pregnancy.

Things I like...

• I like the way you kick me.. I like how strong they are.. I like how cheeky they can be..
• I like the warm fuzzy feeling I get after each ultrasound - particularly when you are ahead of growth and doing so well!
• I liked being sick at the start of my pregnancy because I knew it was you doing well in there!
• I like that your mine and i love u so much already... i cant wait to meet you!
• I like watching by belly while you kick and shove me :) its cute!

Things I didn't like so much...

• when people ask if this is my first child.. this is not your fault bubby
• vomiting raisin toast...
• the spotting episode/s!
• not being comfortable telling the world about you - i've wanted to shout it from the rafters since i found out yet even now i can count on my fingers and toes the number of people that actually know!
• clexane needles - but they keep you alive so i am happy to have them..
• ITCHY eyes - which begun at week 32 - it may be a hay fever thing but its apparently linked with water supplies in later pregnancy!
• waiting for you now.. at 33 weeks i always thought you would be out by now but i have to be patient and let you cook a bit longer - i've always been impatient... people say kids make you more patient.. perhaps this waiting is part of the first lesson?

Things I missed...

• smoked salmon
• a nice icey G&T on a hot day

Things I craved...
I dont know that I had strong cravings - like I wasnt going to hurt anyone if i didnt get these things.. but i certainly over indulged in a few things that I wouldnt normally have..

• Barbeque Shapes
• Cheese and vegemite sandwiches
• Passiona
• Fairy bread
• Mangos

Extra special moments so far in this pregnancy....

• finding out about you - even though you were planned you still were a bit of a surprise..
• seeing you go from a yolk sac with a heart beat to a little tadpole to a little cashew to a little boy..
• feeling you tapping on the inside of my belly on saturday morning - week 14 from memory..
• your dad feeling you move for the first time at 23 weeks
• finding out you were a boy at 15 weeks...
• feeling braxton hicks contractions for the first time ever!

I plan to add to this list as i remember things..

Week 25

25 weeks was rather uneventful compared to the previous fortnight..

we had an appointment with the OB and found out cashew was measuring 4 days ahead and weighing in at 902g... nice to hear he is measuring ahead again - still some thing we are not used to.. so much so that we worry when he measures exact to his dates - isn't that sad!

grandma bought us a pram this week.. i picked out the one i wanted.. predominantly so i would be able to jog with cashew once the summer comes and we can also put a toddler seat on it for he is a big boy and we need the room for baby brother or sister later on! 

i am still finding it hard to believe that this is all real and happening... and i guess to some extent that pregnancies will end with a screaming baby in our arms keeping us up in the middle of the night! right now i cant wait for that moment!

Week 24

I didn't post at 24 weeks.. there was too much going on..

Our fur nephew was diagnosed with bone cancer on monday and had to be put to sleep on tuesday.. the furbies (fur babies) in our family are and always will be treated with the same level of love and respect as any human members in the family and for that reason it was truly a difficult day.. it also happened a few days after Matilda's first birthday..

Week 23

23 weeks... my goal is still another 5 weeks away... i shouldn't have a goal.. i should be going to full term... grrrrr

my MFM appointment yesterday went reasonably well.. the shew is fine and measuring right on track, placenta looks good and fluid surrounding him also looks good...

my blood pressure on the other hand is not so good.. too high for the doc's liking.. and some protien detected in my urine. he suspects that the high BP may be related to all the anniverseries we are currently going through and i guess i kinda agree with him... i did think to myself how the buildup to Matilda's birthday is probably going to be worse than the day itself.

so on friday, I'm off to the hospital to have a bunch of bloods, liver and kidney function tests. If the results are good - which theres a 90 - 95% chance of, then i get to come home.. if the results are bad... then i get admitted for what i presume will be the remainder of the pregnancy.. ugh!

i got in touch with my boss last night to tell her i'd be needing friday off and she insisted that i take the whole week off and rest.. so thats what im doing.. i find enforced resting very difficult! but if thats what i have to do then thats what im going to do... the thought of spending the next 14 weeks in hospital totally sucks!

heres another sneak peek of our lovely little man..

Week 22

What a day 22+6 turned out to be! It happened to fall on the 30th July.. easily the worst day of my life... 12 months ago to the day i went to the OB for a regular 21 week appointment to be told that "my baby would not survive until the next scan." I tried to push this thought from my head and had booked into a day spa with my mum.

The day started out fine, i went to the toilet before the massage started and noticed a teeny amount of blood when i wiped. I didnt think it was enough to warrant any concern.. i was convinced i was not going to stress out that day! two hours later after the massage, i went to the toilet again and wiped again, there it was again.. i wiped again and yes more... now it was not alot of blood... probably not even a teaspoon (the way the hospital chooses to measure the amount of blood) but it was enough for me to freak out.

I rang the midwife, who turned out to be on holidays, so i rang the dreaded hospital. Thankfully the midwife i spoke to was lovely and said i could come in if i wanted given my history, the dates and the fact that my ob is a MFM that operates out of that hospital!

so off i trekked to the hospital, my mother in tow.. i didnt recognise the place at first but then i noticed it was the damn maternity ward i delivered matilda in - i dont know why i assumed it wouldnt be but i didnt! after waiting for about 30 minutes, i was called in so they could do some observations.. thankfully the observations included a doppler where i heard the 145 bmp racing... so my heart slowed down.. then i had to wait until the OB could make it in to do an ultrasound.

after a few hours when he finally made it in, he did an ultrasound and everything looked normal. growth on track, heart beating at a good rate, good amount of fluid, good cervix length.. so the cause of the bleeding? apparently i may have wiped too hard and due to the excessive blood thinners im on it bled! go figure... geez i wish i was "normal" sometimes.. so much for my day off and my masage hey! i feel like i was never there!

i have however been told that i am to stay on 48 hours bed/couch rest. its driving me insane but im forcing myself to do it.. gotta keep this boy safe and snug for another 15 weeks!

Week 21

So here we are in unchartered pregnancy waters... the only other time I have been pregnant, it all ended at 21w+2d. And here we are at 21w+4d and measuring 5 days ahead! I don't know how to feel. I always thought I would feel more comfortable in this pregnancy once I made it past this milestone.. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased. Im over joyed in fact but I feel a new sense of sadness for my baby girl. I know she's never coming back and i know its not good to dwell in the past but knowing that really the only thing that led to her dying was my incorrect medication.. it makes me blame the stoopid haematologist even more!

Apart from this sadness.. I feel like I can actually contemplate bringing this baby home. im scared of contemplating this.. so im going to keep procrastinating about it.. because i know that will get me through.. we have managed to enter a few baby shops and even buy this little man a few boy things.. we have started to talk about our life as a family again.. i dont actually know what brining this baby home will feel like.. i thought last time that i knew what it would feel like to bring a little one home from hospital but right now my focus is on hearing him scream upon delivery.. maybe then ill feel like i can stop procrastinating!

my medication remains the same.. the OB is super positive.. he tells me at this stage he thinks i will be induced around week 38 unless the little guy wants to turn up early and unannounced! and i will be working until mid September..

*deep breaths*

i realise how disorganised this post is.. but thats pretty much whats in my head right now.. probably doesnt help that i have a bad cold :P

i hope everyone out there with their own little rainbow bubbys are doing well too!

Week 20

well! what a week its been... i have been an emotional wreck... i know that im being like this because its that week.. the one where everything went wrong... i dont want to be like this... i am scared to think that just because we get past 21+2 that every thing will be ok...

where to begin... one day this week - i woke up to a miserable old winter's day.. decided that i needed to stay in bed rather than go to work.. i spent the day doing chores and baking.. then had a complete melt down because i hadn't felt cahsew move.. i dont know if im being hyper sensitive to his movements or if i was just busy.. either way.. i was a wreck.. i rang the mid wife.. that seemed to put me at ease...

we bought  some things for cashew this week.. mostly a few little clothes but thats a big start for us both.. DH even got some toys and put them away on layby.. he's wanted a cihld for soooo long now its nice to see him happy about a baby again.. he went out and bought his little boy a bike.. yes a bike.. a bike he wont use for another three years or so.. but it was such a special thing to see :) it made me smile on the inside!

i really cant wait to just get to our next appointment - in a few days... i will be 21+2... the exact gestation matilda was born... getting past this milestone is for some reason is a BIG deal - it may only be in my head.. but i have to do it...

Sneek Peek

These are my two favourite photos of our little man to date! Worthy of sharing I think!!!

Week 19

A delayed post as its taken me a week to process the last appointment we had. As I mentioned, we had the anatomy scan last week and low and behold everything was looking "on track for a normal pregnancy". Thats a phrase I don't really understand! 

We took nanna (my mum) along to the scan as she has never before seen the ultrasound technology in action and the little man did not fail to impress with his constant acrobats and performing! 

The little guy was even measuring 2 days ahead.. something that we had never experienced with Matilda. He moves so much more than she ever did that in hindsight I'm not surprised that she was not a well little baby in the end. In contrast, he looks like his movements are stronger and that he actually has the energy to move. Following this appointment I was both happy and sad, happy that cashew is doing so well and sad that it was just misinformation about my medication that meant our little girl wouldn't make it.

Dr C even gave us a refined due date window.. he suggested that this little one may make its appearance between 32 and 38 weeks. Not bad considering he initially thought the best case scenario would be delivery at 32 weeks. Ive been told I can stay at work until 26 weeks and if things are still progressing nicely and i feel up to it, then I can keep working until 30 weeks.

We were brave enough to venture into a baby store this weekend.. for the first time since Matilda was born.. we didnt buy anything but i think making it through the doors and actually talking about things we need to think about getting was a good small step forward.

There is no change to my medication as yet as the placenta continues to look good. next appointment is at 21 weeks.

I think i might actually be happy/calm for the first time in this pregnancy... still need to get past the next two weeks though...

Week 17

Its been a while since I've wanted to write anything... theres alot going on right now and I am a bit stressed out to say the least.. i feel like an emotional wreck at times and prefectly fine other times... why? because cashew is almost as old as his big sister and we are getting close to the time where things with Matilda hit the rocks...

this bub is due 2 weeks earlier than his sister was and so their milestone dates fall very close adding to the anguish of going through all the milestones of not having Matilda here.

next week we will be having the anatomy scan... Matilda's anatomy scan was at 19 weeks but that was the first time we were told she was "2 weeks small for her dates" - being first time parents we didnt think anything of it and the sonographer didnt indicate that this was anything to be concerned about... regret number 1 was not doing anything about this - because i carried Matilda for another 2 weeks and may have been able to help her...then at her 21 week scan i was told "your baby is not going to make it"

the circumstances back then say matildas dad in melbourne (away from home) and rushing back on the next available flight...

this time around... circumstances have again seen cashews dad in melbourne (away from home) and the thought of having to go to the next appointment on my own scares the living daylights out of me... my mother will be joining me but somehow its just not the same as having Tim there.

i am trying to be positive... its quiet difficult... i figure if i can get through the next month, cashew will be 21 weeks, and officially been alive longer than his big sister..

we still have not been brave enough to buy this little man anything.. my poor little fella... i wish i had the courage to be happy and excited and coo over adorable little things that i want him to wear but i am still not ready to go there.. i feel that this 21 week hurdle is going to be huge and if we can get past it, i hope i will be able to relax a little bit more...

if anyone is out there, please be sure to send your positive vibes our way, its going to be a long month!

Week 15

I have been feeling movement for the past week and a bit now... and yesterday i had an appointment with the OB.. i hadnt felt you all day and was so worried something was wrong.. the OB was running over an hour late and all i could do was sit in the waiting room and wonder what i would see when they finally got to scanning me.

it amazing how i know but i knew exactly where to look and right away i spotted your little heart beat.. woohoo... stress aleviated.. turns out you are doing fantastic, growing nicely and your placenta which is our biggest concern is looking good.

oh and we got some lovely news - your a BOY!! its weird thinking of a little boy in our lives because we have been prepared for a girl with your sister so its a funny feeling - none the less its very exciting and i cant wait to meet you - when your fully grown and nice and strong!

next appointment is in three weeks i cant wait to see you again. grandma will be coming along for the scan so hope your smiling :)

Week 13

Today I am 13 weeks and 1 day... and I woke up this morning with a kick in the guts.. from the inside.. pretty certain that was cashew giving me a wake up call... Given that i know what that feels like.. im pretty confident that it was a moving baby in my belly and not something else! YAY!

13 weeks... i have calmed down a bit since last week when the penny dropped that i was pregnant and the fear and anxiety kicked in..  not a lot else to report for now..