Week 22

What a day 22+6 turned out to be! It happened to fall on the 30th July.. easily the worst day of my life... 12 months ago to the day i went to the OB for a regular 21 week appointment to be told that "my baby would not survive until the next scan." I tried to push this thought from my head and had booked into a day spa with my mum.

The day started out fine, i went to the toilet before the massage started and noticed a teeny amount of blood when i wiped. I didnt think it was enough to warrant any concern.. i was convinced i was not going to stress out that day! two hours later after the massage, i went to the toilet again and wiped again, there it was again.. i wiped again and yes more... now it was not alot of blood... probably not even a teaspoon (the way the hospital chooses to measure the amount of blood) but it was enough for me to freak out.

I rang the midwife, who turned out to be on holidays, so i rang the dreaded hospital. Thankfully the midwife i spoke to was lovely and said i could come in if i wanted given my history, the dates and the fact that my ob is a MFM that operates out of that hospital!

so off i trekked to the hospital, my mother in tow.. i didnt recognise the place at first but then i noticed it was the damn maternity ward i delivered matilda in - i dont know why i assumed it wouldnt be but i didnt! after waiting for about 30 minutes, i was called in so they could do some observations.. thankfully the observations included a doppler where i heard the 145 bmp racing... so my heart slowed down.. then i had to wait until the OB could make it in to do an ultrasound.

after a few hours when he finally made it in, he did an ultrasound and everything looked normal. growth on track, heart beating at a good rate, good amount of fluid, good cervix length.. so the cause of the bleeding? apparently i may have wiped too hard and due to the excessive blood thinners im on it bled! go figure... geez i wish i was "normal" sometimes.. so much for my day off and my masage hey! i feel like i was never there!

i have however been told that i am to stay on 48 hours bed/couch rest. its driving me insane but im forcing myself to do it.. gotta keep this boy safe and snug for another 15 weeks!

Week 21

So here we are in unchartered pregnancy waters... the only other time I have been pregnant, it all ended at 21w+2d. And here we are at 21w+4d and measuring 5 days ahead! I don't know how to feel. I always thought I would feel more comfortable in this pregnancy once I made it past this milestone.. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased. Im over joyed in fact but I feel a new sense of sadness for my baby girl. I know she's never coming back and i know its not good to dwell in the past but knowing that really the only thing that led to her dying was my incorrect medication.. it makes me blame the stoopid haematologist even more!

Apart from this sadness.. I feel like I can actually contemplate bringing this baby home. im scared of contemplating this.. so im going to keep procrastinating about it.. because i know that will get me through.. we have managed to enter a few baby shops and even buy this little man a few boy things.. we have started to talk about our life as a family again.. i dont actually know what brining this baby home will feel like.. i thought last time that i knew what it would feel like to bring a little one home from hospital but right now my focus is on hearing him scream upon delivery.. maybe then ill feel like i can stop procrastinating!

my medication remains the same.. the OB is super positive.. he tells me at this stage he thinks i will be induced around week 38 unless the little guy wants to turn up early and unannounced! and i will be working until mid September..

*deep breaths*

i realise how disorganised this post is.. but thats pretty much whats in my head right now.. probably doesnt help that i have a bad cold :P

i hope everyone out there with their own little rainbow bubbys are doing well too!

Week 20

well! what a week its been... i have been an emotional wreck... i know that im being like this because its that week.. the one where everything went wrong... i dont want to be like this... i am scared to think that just because we get past 21+2 that every thing will be ok...

where to begin... one day this week - i woke up to a miserable old winter's day.. decided that i needed to stay in bed rather than go to work.. i spent the day doing chores and baking.. then had a complete melt down because i hadn't felt cahsew move.. i dont know if im being hyper sensitive to his movements or if i was just busy.. either way.. i was a wreck.. i rang the mid wife.. that seemed to put me at ease...

we bought  some things for cashew this week.. mostly a few little clothes but thats a big start for us both.. DH even got some toys and put them away on layby.. he's wanted a cihld for soooo long now its nice to see him happy about a baby again.. he went out and bought his little boy a bike.. yes a bike.. a bike he wont use for another three years or so.. but it was such a special thing to see :) it made me smile on the inside!

i really cant wait to just get to our next appointment - in a few days... i will be 21+2... the exact gestation matilda was born... getting past this milestone is for some reason is a BIG deal - it may only be in my head.. but i have to do it...

Sneek Peek

These are my two favourite photos of our little man to date! Worthy of sharing I think!!!

Week 19

A delayed post as its taken me a week to process the last appointment we had. As I mentioned, we had the anatomy scan last week and low and behold everything was looking "on track for a normal pregnancy". Thats a phrase I don't really understand! 

We took nanna (my mum) along to the scan as she has never before seen the ultrasound technology in action and the little man did not fail to impress with his constant acrobats and performing! 

The little guy was even measuring 2 days ahead.. something that we had never experienced with Matilda. He moves so much more than she ever did that in hindsight I'm not surprised that she was not a well little baby in the end. In contrast, he looks like his movements are stronger and that he actually has the energy to move. Following this appointment I was both happy and sad, happy that cashew is doing so well and sad that it was just misinformation about my medication that meant our little girl wouldn't make it.

Dr C even gave us a refined due date window.. he suggested that this little one may make its appearance between 32 and 38 weeks. Not bad considering he initially thought the best case scenario would be delivery at 32 weeks. Ive been told I can stay at work until 26 weeks and if things are still progressing nicely and i feel up to it, then I can keep working until 30 weeks.

We were brave enough to venture into a baby store this weekend.. for the first time since Matilda was born.. we didnt buy anything but i think making it through the doors and actually talking about things we need to think about getting was a good small step forward.

There is no change to my medication as yet as the placenta continues to look good. next appointment is at 21 weeks.

I think i might actually be happy/calm for the first time in this pregnancy... still need to get past the next two weeks though...

Week 17

Its been a while since I've wanted to write anything... theres alot going on right now and I am a bit stressed out to say the least.. i feel like an emotional wreck at times and prefectly fine other times... why? because cashew is almost as old as his big sister and we are getting close to the time where things with Matilda hit the rocks...

this bub is due 2 weeks earlier than his sister was and so their milestone dates fall very close adding to the anguish of going through all the milestones of not having Matilda here.

next week we will be having the anatomy scan... Matilda's anatomy scan was at 19 weeks but that was the first time we were told she was "2 weeks small for her dates" - being first time parents we didnt think anything of it and the sonographer didnt indicate that this was anything to be concerned about... regret number 1 was not doing anything about this - because i carried Matilda for another 2 weeks and may have been able to help her...then at her 21 week scan i was told "your baby is not going to make it"

the circumstances back then say matildas dad in melbourne (away from home) and rushing back on the next available flight...

this time around... circumstances have again seen cashews dad in melbourne (away from home) and the thought of having to go to the next appointment on my own scares the living daylights out of me... my mother will be joining me but somehow its just not the same as having Tim there.

i am trying to be positive... its quiet difficult... i figure if i can get through the next month, cashew will be 21 weeks, and officially been alive longer than his big sister..

we still have not been brave enough to buy this little man anything.. my poor little fella... i wish i had the courage to be happy and excited and coo over adorable little things that i want him to wear but i am still not ready to go there.. i feel that this 21 week hurdle is going to be huge and if we can get past it, i hope i will be able to relax a little bit more...

if anyone is out there, please be sure to send your positive vibes our way, its going to be a long month!

Week 15

I have been feeling movement for the past week and a bit now... and yesterday i had an appointment with the OB.. i hadnt felt you all day and was so worried something was wrong.. the OB was running over an hour late and all i could do was sit in the waiting room and wonder what i would see when they finally got to scanning me.

it amazing how i know but i knew exactly where to look and right away i spotted your little heart beat.. woohoo... stress aleviated.. turns out you are doing fantastic, growing nicely and your placenta which is our biggest concern is looking good.

oh and we got some lovely news - your a BOY!! its weird thinking of a little boy in our lives because we have been prepared for a girl with your sister so its a funny feeling - none the less its very exciting and i cant wait to meet you - when your fully grown and nice and strong!

next appointment is in three weeks i cant wait to see you again. grandma will be coming along for the scan so hope your smiling :)