My thoughts on pregnancy

I have toyed with the idea of not posting this... but I want to capture these moments...

So before I start, I thought I might put in a little warning - My thoughts on pregnancy are something i have never really talked about to anyone so if they come out all wrong on here I don't intend for them to upset anyone and by no means to I intend to sound ungrateful for this pregnancy.

Things I like...

• I like the way you kick me.. I like how strong they are.. I like how cheeky they can be..
• I like the warm fuzzy feeling I get after each ultrasound - particularly when you are ahead of growth and doing so well!
• I liked being sick at the start of my pregnancy because I knew it was you doing well in there!
• I like that your mine and i love u so much already... i cant wait to meet you!
• I like watching by belly while you kick and shove me :) its cute!

Things I didn't like so much...

• when people ask if this is my first child.. this is not your fault bubby
• vomiting raisin toast...
• the spotting episode/s!
• not being comfortable telling the world about you - i've wanted to shout it from the rafters since i found out yet even now i can count on my fingers and toes the number of people that actually know!
• clexane needles - but they keep you alive so i am happy to have them..
• ITCHY eyes - which begun at week 32 - it may be a hay fever thing but its apparently linked with water supplies in later pregnancy!
• waiting for you now.. at 33 weeks i always thought you would be out by now but i have to be patient and let you cook a bit longer - i've always been impatient... people say kids make you more patient.. perhaps this waiting is part of the first lesson?

Things I missed...

• smoked salmon
• a nice icey G&T on a hot day

Things I craved...
I dont know that I had strong cravings - like I wasnt going to hurt anyone if i didnt get these things.. but i certainly over indulged in a few things that I wouldnt normally have..

• Barbeque Shapes
• Cheese and vegemite sandwiches
• Passiona
• Fairy bread
• Mangos

Extra special moments so far in this pregnancy....

• finding out about you - even though you were planned you still were a bit of a surprise..
• seeing you go from a yolk sac with a heart beat to a little tadpole to a little cashew to a little boy..
• feeling you tapping on the inside of my belly on saturday morning - week 14 from memory..
• your dad feeling you move for the first time at 23 weeks
• finding out you were a boy at 15 weeks...
• feeling braxton hicks contractions for the first time ever!

I plan to add to this list as i remember things..

Week 25

25 weeks was rather uneventful compared to the previous fortnight..

we had an appointment with the OB and found out cashew was measuring 4 days ahead and weighing in at 902g... nice to hear he is measuring ahead again - still some thing we are not used to.. so much so that we worry when he measures exact to his dates - isn't that sad!

grandma bought us a pram this week.. i picked out the one i wanted.. predominantly so i would be able to jog with cashew once the summer comes and we can also put a toddler seat on it for he is a big boy and we need the room for baby brother or sister later on! 

i am still finding it hard to believe that this is all real and happening... and i guess to some extent that pregnancies will end with a screaming baby in our arms keeping us up in the middle of the night! right now i cant wait for that moment!

Week 24

I didn't post at 24 weeks.. there was too much going on..

Our fur nephew was diagnosed with bone cancer on monday and had to be put to sleep on tuesday.. the furbies (fur babies) in our family are and always will be treated with the same level of love and respect as any human members in the family and for that reason it was truly a difficult day.. it also happened a few days after Matilda's first birthday..

Week 23

23 weeks... my goal is still another 5 weeks away... i shouldn't have a goal.. i should be going to full term... grrrrr

my MFM appointment yesterday went reasonably well.. the shew is fine and measuring right on track, placenta looks good and fluid surrounding him also looks good...

my blood pressure on the other hand is not so good.. too high for the doc's liking.. and some protien detected in my urine. he suspects that the high BP may be related to all the anniverseries we are currently going through and i guess i kinda agree with him... i did think to myself how the buildup to Matilda's birthday is probably going to be worse than the day itself.

so on friday, I'm off to the hospital to have a bunch of bloods, liver and kidney function tests. If the results are good - which theres a 90 - 95% chance of, then i get to come home.. if the results are bad... then i get admitted for what i presume will be the remainder of the pregnancy.. ugh!

i got in touch with my boss last night to tell her i'd be needing friday off and she insisted that i take the whole week off and rest.. so thats what im doing.. i find enforced resting very difficult! but if thats what i have to do then thats what im going to do... the thought of spending the next 14 weeks in hospital totally sucks!

heres another sneak peek of our lovely little man..

Week 22

What a day 22+6 turned out to be! It happened to fall on the 30th July.. easily the worst day of my life... 12 months ago to the day i went to the OB for a regular 21 week appointment to be told that "my baby would not survive until the next scan." I tried to push this thought from my head and had booked into a day spa with my mum.

The day started out fine, i went to the toilet before the massage started and noticed a teeny amount of blood when i wiped. I didnt think it was enough to warrant any concern.. i was convinced i was not going to stress out that day! two hours later after the massage, i went to the toilet again and wiped again, there it was again.. i wiped again and yes more... now it was not alot of blood... probably not even a teaspoon (the way the hospital chooses to measure the amount of blood) but it was enough for me to freak out.

I rang the midwife, who turned out to be on holidays, so i rang the dreaded hospital. Thankfully the midwife i spoke to was lovely and said i could come in if i wanted given my history, the dates and the fact that my ob is a MFM that operates out of that hospital!

so off i trekked to the hospital, my mother in tow.. i didnt recognise the place at first but then i noticed it was the damn maternity ward i delivered matilda in - i dont know why i assumed it wouldnt be but i didnt! after waiting for about 30 minutes, i was called in so they could do some observations.. thankfully the observations included a doppler where i heard the 145 bmp racing... so my heart slowed down.. then i had to wait until the OB could make it in to do an ultrasound.

after a few hours when he finally made it in, he did an ultrasound and everything looked normal. growth on track, heart beating at a good rate, good amount of fluid, good cervix length.. so the cause of the bleeding? apparently i may have wiped too hard and due to the excessive blood thinners im on it bled! go figure... geez i wish i was "normal" sometimes.. so much for my day off and my masage hey! i feel like i was never there!

i have however been told that i am to stay on 48 hours bed/couch rest. its driving me insane but im forcing myself to do it.. gotta keep this boy safe and snug for another 15 weeks!

Week 21

So here we are in unchartered pregnancy waters... the only other time I have been pregnant, it all ended at 21w+2d. And here we are at 21w+4d and measuring 5 days ahead! I don't know how to feel. I always thought I would feel more comfortable in this pregnancy once I made it past this milestone.. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased. Im over joyed in fact but I feel a new sense of sadness for my baby girl. I know she's never coming back and i know its not good to dwell in the past but knowing that really the only thing that led to her dying was my incorrect medication.. it makes me blame the stoopid haematologist even more!

Apart from this sadness.. I feel like I can actually contemplate bringing this baby home. im scared of contemplating this.. so im going to keep procrastinating about it.. because i know that will get me through.. we have managed to enter a few baby shops and even buy this little man a few boy things.. we have started to talk about our life as a family again.. i dont actually know what brining this baby home will feel like.. i thought last time that i knew what it would feel like to bring a little one home from hospital but right now my focus is on hearing him scream upon delivery.. maybe then ill feel like i can stop procrastinating!

my medication remains the same.. the OB is super positive.. he tells me at this stage he thinks i will be induced around week 38 unless the little guy wants to turn up early and unannounced! and i will be working until mid September..

*deep breaths*

i realise how disorganised this post is.. but thats pretty much whats in my head right now.. probably doesnt help that i have a bad cold :P

i hope everyone out there with their own little rainbow bubbys are doing well too!

Week 20

well! what a week its been... i have been an emotional wreck... i know that im being like this because its that week.. the one where everything went wrong... i dont want to be like this... i am scared to think that just because we get past 21+2 that every thing will be ok...

where to begin... one day this week - i woke up to a miserable old winter's day.. decided that i needed to stay in bed rather than go to work.. i spent the day doing chores and baking.. then had a complete melt down because i hadn't felt cahsew move.. i dont know if im being hyper sensitive to his movements or if i was just busy.. either way.. i was a wreck.. i rang the mid wife.. that seemed to put me at ease...

we bought  some things for cashew this week.. mostly a few little clothes but thats a big start for us both.. DH even got some toys and put them away on layby.. he's wanted a cihld for soooo long now its nice to see him happy about a baby again.. he went out and bought his little boy a bike.. yes a bike.. a bike he wont use for another three years or so.. but it was such a special thing to see :) it made me smile on the inside!

i really cant wait to just get to our next appointment - in a few days... i will be 21+2... the exact gestation matilda was born... getting past this milestone is for some reason is a BIG deal - it may only be in my head.. but i have to do it...