So here we are in unchartered pregnancy waters... the only other time I have been pregnant, it all ended at 21w+2d. And here we are at 21w+4d and measuring 5 days ahead! I don't know how to feel. I always thought I would feel more comfortable in this pregnancy once I made it past this milestone.. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased. Im over joyed in fact but I feel a new sense of sadness for my baby girl. I know she's never coming back and i know its not good to dwell in the past but knowing that really the only thing that led to her dying was my incorrect medication.. it makes me blame the stoopid haematologist even more!
Apart from this sadness.. I feel like I can actually contemplate bringing this baby home. im scared of contemplating this.. so im going to keep procrastinating about it.. because i know that will get me through.. we have managed to enter a few baby shops and even buy this little man a few boy things.. we have started to talk about our life as a family again.. i dont actually know what brining this baby home will feel like.. i thought last time that i knew what it would feel like to bring a little one home from hospital but right now my focus is on hearing him scream upon delivery.. maybe then ill feel like i can stop procrastinating!
my medication remains the same.. the OB is super positive.. he tells me at this stage he thinks i will be induced around week 38 unless the little guy wants to turn up early and unannounced! and i will be working until mid September..
*deep breaths*
i realise how disorganised this post is.. but thats pretty much whats in my head right now.. probably doesnt help that i have a bad cold :P
i hope everyone out there with their own little rainbow bubbys are doing well too!
So glad to hear you're past this milestone. So many things about this are bittersweet. I cried after our 20 week scan which was everything we wanted to hear this time but it just made me so sad that it wasn't like that last time.
ReplyDeleteMaddie x
I'm really happy for you Lana. I also know how you feel in passing this milestone - it is a difficult and sad time as well as the excitement that cashew is doing well.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and little cashew, and hoping like crazy that cashew stays strong and healthy.
Thank you for thinking of little Kyle while he had his surgery. Lots of emotional times for me before, during and after surgery, but he's looking great and works his new lips as if they were perfect right from the beginning.
xxx